Housesitting, day seven…

In the spirit of celebrating my freedom from a place that I will most likely not willingly return to ever, I’ve decided to make the “inspirational sayings” scattered here and there just a bit more accurate. These are kind of things you can find sprinkled everywhere in…certain homes. You know, the ones where the residents seem to either believe in this kind of inspirational shit or be so busy desperately trying to make themselves believe in so much bullshit that they’ve yet to notice that they’re swimming in it. Why the surly analysis? Because the little shits woke me up early and I need to fully expend my Asshole resource before everyone returns, all chipper and happy from their week-long vacation away from these hapless twits. Enjoy.
And, just in case it wasn’t totally obvious or anything, my commentary is in italics and everything not by me isn’t.

“A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you get.”
Hardly. There are so many exceptions to this so-called “rule” that it’s not even funny. Take my own father, for instance. The chap was an alright dad, all things considered, and he was on a hot streak during the earlier years of my adolescence, but like a carton of milk, he began to spoil and grow fetid. Suffice it to say his fall from grace wasn’t “graceful” so much as it was “crashing down from his pedestal on fire, riddled with the most vile diseases known to man, praying for his own death only to survive and come crawling back out of the woodwork several years later to stalk his daughter and either get the coordinates to climb back onto said pedestal or hunt down his estranged wife in order to finally properly get divorced”.
Daddy issues? I suppose, but I’ll leave that for another post.

“When I count my blessings, I count you twice.”
Why does this sound like the default pickup line of that one creepy guy who always hits on you when you’re at the bar and you just want a drink? And, if you are said creepy guy, why do you even say shit like this? It’s creepy and it obviously doesn’t work. Stop it.

“Beauty comes in all sizes.”
…Stop right there. I believe that we’ve already reached the conclusion that size isn’t an issue when it comes to beauty, but rather the inability to put together aesthetically appealing clothes into a coherent outfit. It doesn’t matter if it’s small or 4x large, if it’s a velour jumpsuit, it’s a velour jumpsuit and you should be ashamed to even consider wearing it in public. So, this is hardly inspirational, it’s more like common sense for once.

“We will be friends until we are old and senile – then we’ll be new friends!”
Oh, look, a joke about degenerating brain function and implied Alzheimer’s. Hardy har har.

“Has anyone ever told you what a wonderful person you are?
Just in case you haven’t heard these words in a while, I want you to hear them now. You deserve to know that…
It takes someone special to do what you do. It takes someone rare and remarkable to make the lives of everyone around them nicer, brighter, and more beautiful. It takes someone who has a big heart and a caring soul. It takes someone who’s living proof of how precious a person can be.
It takes someone…just like you.
– K.D. Stevens”
This is just a shot in the dark, but I’m sure that the author of this little gem was slowly dying inside as they wrote this. I can imagine it now; some poor schmuck makes a living writing this sort of revoltingly cheesy bullshit while attempting to write that ever elusive novel that twinkles in their eye. Just read the damn thing again, only with a cynical point of view. Kraft could take a few pointers from this bloke on how to make “the cheesiest” even cheesier.
And P.S.: if you honestly think that it takes someone “rare” to actually make the world a nicer, brighter place, you’re either self-absorbed or delusional. Or both. I don’t know you and I don’t know your life. I don’t particularly care.

“Laugh” (on a picture frame, all wonky and stuff)
I’m not sure if I should interpret it as a command to the viewer or as the subject matter of the pictures in the frame. Whatever the case, piss off and no, there’s nobody laughing in the shots. Smiles, sure, but not a laugh to be seen.

“Life is good”
I suppose, but then again, what is “good”? Not to get into a philosophical argument, but when most people say “good”, they tend to mean “convenient” or “comfortable”. That’s all well and good (no pun intended), but life is a lot more than just the superficial “good” statement.

“The love of a family makes life beautiful”
Correction: the love of a family adds to the beauty of life. A bit wordy, I get it, but I find it to be more accurate. I don’t know about you, but I find life to be fascinating, wondrous, brilliantly designed, and alluring. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve decided to dedicate my life to research, in order to uncover exactly what’s going on behind all of the beauty. Could it possibly lead to something terrifying? Well, yeah; wouldn’t be any fun otherwise, now would it?

“Home sweet home”
Unless it’s not your home and it seems to be perpetually infested with guests despite the absence of their true blood relatives. …What? We’ve already covered that I’m a vengeful, passive-aggressive person who would probably not fare well in a face-to-face confrontation about this blog or any other sensitive subject matter. Move along now.

Let the record show that this particularly useless paperweight sits atop of a stack of books, most likely placed in order to give the illusion of being well-read. Not that I mind this particular piece of wood; the characters in books always did seem like my friends once I finished reading the book. That’s what excellent writing does, in my humble opinion, make you empathize with a figment of the author’s imagination. And before you start, no, the cast of Twilight does not count.

Also resting atop a couple piles of book. So…look, I know that I get close to certain characters in novels and stuff, but you’ve gotta draw the line somewhere, y’know? Don’t be creepy, people.

No, seriously, it actually looks like that, with every other letter capitalized in a way that offends my sensibilities and everything that I’ve learned about proper English. All I can say is that I do sincerely hope that whoever designed this piece and thought “Oh, that’s so cute and quirky and fun! Teehee!” is now choking on the sawdust that was generated in the process of carving this trite tripe.

I’ve got at least a couple more of these damn things, but it’s getting late and being rudely woken up at four in the morning by a bunch of sadistic little bastards tends to take a toll. At the very least, it tends to throw the rest of your day so fucking out of whack that you’re forced to retire earlier than usual, even for you. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to go to sleep and finish the rest of this off tomorrow. It should be good or at the very least incredibly bitchy, as my Asshole resource will have plenty of non-depleted Snark to give it a bit of a boost. We shall see.


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