It’s only really scary the first time you do it…

And, really, you’re most likely terrified to begin with because you’ve psyched yourself into thinking “Holy shit, the menswear section is so fucking close to the cash registers! What will they think?”

…Wait. Did you think I was gonna blog about sex? That’s hilarious. And you should laugh at your assumptions. Also, a little bit of guilt would probably work wonders and hopefully teach you to not jump to conclusions. Besides, why would I blog about a subject in which I have only theoretical knowledge? That’s stupid, but I digress.

Shopping, specifically shopping for clothes that are purportedly “the wrong gender”, was kind of frightening for me. I was just sorting through my clothes this morning, trying to see which jeans weren’t too saggy for me to wear today and I got to thinking about several things. One was that I needed new pants; I have been steadily losing weight again and I had bought these particular items of clothing half a year and thirty pounds ago. The other was that these were “boy jeans” and they made my butt look nice. I mean, I have a nice butt to begin with but with these jeans, I feel like it’s niceness is doubled.

I don’t find it weird anymore to wear my lovely, butt-enhancing “boy jeans” anymore, or let the fact that I’m wearing boxer briefs make me feel like I’m somehow secretly rebelling against the established order of things. They’re just pants and underwear. They make a statement about me, sure, but I don’t particularly care about what other people think anymore. I’m ME and I happen to consider myself to be a somewhat androgynous genderfluid pansexual.

Fun fact: I had to add “genderfluid” and “pansexual” to my dictionary just now. Y’know, when those red squiggly lines appear under words that are misspelled or somehow incorrect and you right-click it to either fix it or replace it with what you were trying to spell before? Yeah, that dictionary.

So yes. I’ve taken to wearing polo shirts in darker hues, usually with my jeans and either my tennis shoes or my dress/work shoes. If I need to, I can throw on a sweater. Overall, my outfits aren’t so much “outfits” as they are “exchangeable parts of a whole”. I dunno, part of the reason behind my wardrobe change was because I wanted to become just a bit more professional and polished both in and out of the classroom and part of it was me wanting to actually explore and find my own style. I loved (and still love!) watching What Not To Wear and I remember that I had been watching it with an almost religious fervor that summer, trying to take in all of Clinton and Stacy’s advice. But watching is one thing; when you’re in the middle of the store, straddling the aisle between the women’s clothes you don’t want and the men’s clothes you want to try out, shit gets real really quickly.

Of course, now I have the benefit of knowing that the cashiers don’t give a flying fuck. As long as you actually buy something, they’re cool with it. But I still remember the various excuses I made up in my head, just in case I was accosted by an associate or something. “It’s not for me, it’s for my brother”, “I’m getting a present for my boyfriend ’cause his birthday’s coming up”, “My dad really, really, REALLY likes polo shirts”…all lies to keep me from looking like some kind of oddity. I don’t need those things anymore.

But, yes! Jeans! I may need something a few inches smaller already, though I’m tempted to just wait for another month. So far, the Paleo diet is definitely working; it’s only been two weeks since I started and, even with a few infractions here and there, I’m already down six and a half pounds. Normally, I’d be worried, as a “healthy” rate of weight loss is about two pounds per week, but then there’s the strength training to keep in mind. I’m already strong enough to hold the plank position for fifteen seconds without trembling like I used to and, really, three sets of circuit training is nothing to me now. I’ll have to tweak it, maybe add more weight or repetitions, but I’m definitely digging the strength and energy boost. I’m gonna need it, that’s for sure.

Am I worried that strength training is going to make me bulk up too much? Honestly, no. I actually welcome it, this increase in muscle mass, as it’ll probably help when it’s just one of those days and I take a look in the mirror only to find someone who looks just a bit too soft gawking back at me. I can’t wait! But, of course, I’m gonna take it slow. Rushing wouldn’t generate results that are worth it in the end.

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