I feel more like a seesaw than a person, really…

So, we’re already going to start the fourth week of school. I’m not sure how I feel about that, to be completely honest. On the one hand, I’m rather pleased with how this year has been progressing so far. I’ve already got my classes down, my schedule down pat (but not too much, because I want to have time to hang out with friends should I need it), and I’ve gotten most, if not all, of the usual resocializing with friends that I may or may not have neglected over the summer over and done with. It’s not that I don’t like to be social. Ask around; some people may claim that I’m actually too social and that I don’t focus on my academics, which is true depending on what your definition of “social” is exactly. But there are the friends that you are almost desperately trying to reconnect with and then there are the friends (more like “acquaintances”, really) who you just want to say “Hi” to and nothing else. But how to tell them?

I’ll be honest: I write a lot but I’m not very eloquent. At least, I don’t feel eloquent. There are times where I can talk my way out of things, but most of the time I seem to trip over my words or say something in such a way that most likely will antagonize people. Maybe it’s because I don’t shy away from using “fuck”, “shit”, and “hell”. It’s in my vernacular, so why not? ‘Sides, I’m an adult. If what I say offends people with thinner skins and easily disturbed sensibilities, then I’ll own up to it and apologize.

But, yeah. I’m messaging someone right now who seems to feel a bit of a disconnect between them and the world around them. I want to say “I’m here for you” because, really, I feel that I am already and that I just need to make it clear to them that I’m available if they want to talk and stuff, but how do I say that without feeling like a hypocrite? After all, this is the same person that I took off of my Friend list because I felt that I needed to remove them in order to get my shit together and get over this insane, all-consuming crush I had. It’s died down now, but with this moment of clarity and closure comes the dread of asking the one thing that would probably undermine my efforts to reconnect with them: “By the way, we’re not ‘Friends’ anymore. Haven’t been for the past nine months, actually. Would you mind sending me a friend request over Facebook?”

I should probably pony up to the fact, send them a request, and open myself up for discussion if they say something like “WTF? Why did you send me a request?? Aren’t we already friends?” I’m probably, most likely, overthinking things again. I tend to do that a lot. In all actuality, it’s probably not a big deal. But I’m still freaking out here, still fretting, still dreading the moment they corner me and begin the accusations or just stop trusting whatever I say because, apparently, I’m a horrible, two-faced person who can’t seem to make up their freaking minds over what they want exactly

And, holy hell, since when did this become LiveJournal?! Goodness me!

Tl;dr: this is pretty freakin’ awkward. I just want them to request me as opposed to the alternative, which would demand more courage than I feel I can muster at the moment. I mean, if they can add some freshman guy they’ve only met over the course of five minutes, then there should be no problem for someone that they’ve known of for, what? Going on four years now?

That just brings up another point: what do I know about them? I mean, really? Aside from having been in the same club all this time and the rare get-together, we don’t really interact. And I suck at dropping hints; it’s either too subtle to detect or not subtle enough. What’s more, this person is an enigma to me. Always has been, pretty much. We didn’t hang out before they went off to study abroad because 1) I felt like too much of a doofus around them, because having a crush on someone will do that, 2) there was no reason for us to hang out unless it was for club business, and 3) we ran (and still run, let’s face facts) in completely different circles, so just approaching outside of club meetings was out of the question. Again, I’m not brave to begin with and, as the person who I wanted to look like an idiot in front of the least, they terrified me. It doesn’t help that I actually told them I liked them “a lot” on the heels of coming out to them as pansexual and then admitting that I am the world’s biggest creeper. Everything just…came out. This was someone (still is someone) that I’d rather not deceive, lest they shun me. Again, I’m scared.

…You know what? I can sit here and ramble, just wavering back and forth, back and forth for awhile yet. But I’ve got homework, I’ve got two friends that are on RuneScape right now, and I’m just gonna do it. Sending a friend request…now. Cross your fingers!


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