It’s been a while, hasn’t it…

Hi! I know I forgot to write some thing last Sunday, as is my custom, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. I actually wasn’t feeling up to it this morning, either, but you know? Today’s gone remarkably better than expected. I mean, it’s gone from me moping about the things I can’t change to right now, writing freely about whatever I want while listening to a bunch of calming acoustic guitar instrumentals. I am truly fortunate.

Didn’t do much out of the ordinary last week. Didn’t expect to be doing so much today, either, but thankfully that didn’t pan out as previously predicted. I mean, I woke up like usual, did my laundry as usual, went to Matsuri’s executive board meeting as usual and then, sighing, submitted myself to my fate and went to the United Cultural Council’s Spring Retreat. Honestly, I’m glad I did; there was this activity we did called “Feeling Families”. It helped me work out some of the issues that’ve been getting me down lately and you know what? I’m not the only one who’s scared by default or the only one who gets mad with a purpose. I mean, of course I’m not the only one; there are, what? Seven billion people on the planet or something, right? Odds are good that there’s at least one other person who shares my woes and joys. But I kind of forgot that and the reminder was nice. Again, it helped immensely.

Actually did my homework, which is nice. I dunno, when you get to college, you can be assigned homework, but I find that my professors aren’t really as strict about it. You should do it, of course, but it’s more of a way to check if you can go on sleeping or daydreaming in class. Then again, I’m probably not the best person to ask for advice regarding academic matters. I’m an okay student, but I find lectures tedious for the most part, favoring the more practical, hands-on approach of lab work to sitting in class, taking notes. It’s one of the reasons why I’m pretty sure that I’ll make for a successful research scientist.

Speaking of, it seems as though my advisor hasn’t yet given up on the notion of retaining someone who knows his lab inside and out yet and, truth be told, I’m glad. I might just be taking him up on the offer of enrolling in the master’s program, despite what I told him earlier. I dunno, it’s just that that leap from the end of my undergraduate studies to the beginning of graduate school looks so wide and scary. The fact that I’m pretty much on my own, something that I was well aware of for a few years now, has only just started to sink in and it’s only made an already terrifying prospect so much worse. I’m starting to warm to the idea of spending two more years here, in this comfortable academic cocoon. Besides, I’ll be able to see my friends graduate just as they’ll see me graduate this semester. It won’t be like every other time people leave, where I leave them behind or they leave me behind. Losing people, even if it’s to their own futures, their own hopes and dreams, never gets any easier for me.

That’s probably the biggest thing that’s been affecting me this week: one of my friends/person-that-I-have-this-embarassingly-huge-crush-on is currently in the middle of rushing for a certain Greek fraternity. Now, I’m no stranger to the Greeks; I know how they’re all about being a family and being together all the time, joined at the hip or what have you, but I consider myself to be generally anti-Greek. If you tell me that you belong to an organization with three letters and nothing else, I will assume that you are a pompous, self-righteous nitwit who is too weak to stand on your own two feet and have to rely on an organization to make a name for yourself. It’s this prejudice, reinforced by past experiences, that will steer me clear of ever joining any such organizations myself. However, when you go to a university as small as mine and have friends flung far and wide, you’re going to have a few Greeks. Some of them can at least remain civil, some of them stay just the same, and others completely block you out if you’re not one of them. It happens.

So why this person, aside from the obvious “Because I like their face!”? I guess it’s because I’m greedy, I’m needy, and I don’t like to share, at least when it comes to them. It’s strange how I never actually noticed them until another friend told me mentioned how they were remarkably attractive. At the time, I was trying to get over someone (ironically enough, it was the same friend who complimented the current object of my affections) so, while I had known them for a year, I had never really entertained the notion of hanging out in earnest. So, what? I guess I felt betrayed a bit when they seemed to blow me off for an organization that I’m sure can actually help them out later on. Or when they went to a mutual friend’s party and didn’t really mention it when they excused themselves from hanging out on a three day weekend. Our schedules are so hectic that it seems we’ll never have any time unless we make room and I want to make room, but I feel as though imposing my will on them is improper. Tell me, are we friends if I still think like this?

I may not feel like the situation is completely hopeless. Well, at least not anymore. But all I can do is change my own response to this situation, which is eerily parallel to one I encountered two years ago now. That one didn’t end happily, as I’m only an acquaintance to them, but I’m determined to try another approach, one of simple acceptance and a humble presence at their side, should they need it. It’s all I can do here, so I’m not going to push them away. Not again.


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